Friday, May 9, 2008

Buckshot: The Great Pizza Riots of '08

For those who don’t know, I live in Akron, OH, so I am thus able to bring you thrilling tales of utter stupidity from the greater Cleveland area. Such as this one.

Apparently while our beloved Cleveland Cavaliers were in Washington D.C. for playoff games against the Wizards, a local D.C. Papa Johns franchise distributed t-shirts emblazoned with "Crybaby 23" after LeBron whined about some vicious fouls on the Wizards' part:

Now, just as you cannot deny the good people of Cleveland their own IKEA, one does not lightly defame the name of our Lord and Savior LeBron James. There was outrage in the streets. “I’ll never eat at Papa Johns again!” one old woman angrily informed a reporter on the news. “That’s hilarious. Where can I get one of those shirts?” I asked to no one in particular. I also took a moment to remember that these people leaping to LeBron's defense were the same ones ready to burn him at the stake for wearing a Yankees cap to a New York/Cleveland MLB playoff game last year.

As a show of solidarity to Clevelanders (and hoping to fight the bad press), Papa Johns locations in our area had a special deal yesterday: A large 1-topping pizza for $0.23, pickup only. People lined up around the block. People stood in line for hours. People missed work. People got arrested for disorderly conduct. For a cheap pizza. Naturally, it was the lead story on every channel last night. “I wish I’d remembered to keep my receipt. I wanted to save the receipt,” said one woman, clearly delusional from waiting four hours in line for a pizza.

Now, I will admit that I tried to take advantage of the promotion as well. Hey, it was borderline-free pizza, so sue me. But my plan was merely to see if I could order one to pick up on the way home. I certainly wasn't going to waste my day standing in line. Well, they must have just taken their phone off the hook, because every time I called it was busy. Finally, Mrs. Buck said, "Screw it, pizza's pizza," and we ordered from Donatos.



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