Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Buckshot: In which I rant like a cranky old man.

Do you look at the fashions of today and shake your head in disbelief? Do you long for the days when style simply meant hanging an onion on your belt? Then today's Buckshot is for you!

This is something in a similar vein as Hooper’s latest Hooplah, in that it’s also a commentary on how people present themselves in public. Whereas his dealt with the olfactory presentation, mine deals with the visual side of things. In short, do you people even look at yourselves in the mirror before you leave the house?

Denis Leary agrees: Pull up your pants!

It’s certainly not a new topic, but let’s take a moment to address the pants of today’s youth. Why, in the name of all that is just and true, are your pants around your knees? I know it’s not because you forgot your belt. You forget your belt, your pants sag slightly. They don’t fall to your knees, requiring you to walk around all day with your hand on your crotch to hold them up. You know who walks around all day with their hands on their crotch? Perverts.

The other pants trend is the so-called “skinny” jean. Basically they’re tights made of denim, covering the legs snug as a leotard. I’ve yet to see them on one person where it didn’t look completely stupid, especially on men. Guys, it just looks like you got dressed in the dark and put on your girlfriend/sister’s pants by mistake. What’s the appeal here? Some latent desire to be a superhero, and you figure denim tights are more socially acceptable than spandex? Hell, if you just wore the spandex instead of paying $100 for those dumbass pants I wouldn’t give you a second glance. (Well, that’s not entirely true. Spandex always gets a second glance, even if it’s not flattering on the wearer. Especially if it’s not flattering.)

These next couple are complaints about accessories rather than the clothes themselves. First up, backpacks. Not in all situations, obviously. Sometimes you’re going somewhere and have a legitimate need for one. No, I’m talking the parents with backpacks. The ones who are already pushing a stroller with crap in the basket under the kid and a diaper bag perched on top the stroller filled with more crap. You’re wearing a backpack. What couldn’t you leave the house without that necessitated yet another bag full of junk? And usually your kids are wearing backpacks too! We saw this on at least half the families when we visited the Kennedy Space Center last month. I saw one family: mom, dad, and four kids, and they were all wearing a backpack. What treasures are you secreting around in these things? It’s almost enough for me to advocate the return of the fanny pack. They may have been unsightly, but at least they were small enough they didn’t give you an excuse to slug half your belongings everywhere you went.

Next up, the Bluetooth earpiece for your cellular phone. These are only acceptable if you’re actually using it. Otherwise, stop walking around with the damned thing on your head all the time. Look, I get the convenience of it, I really do. But if I ever get one, it’s going to stay in my pocket unless the situation calls for it. I’ll just answer my phone *gasp* the old-fashioned way, and if I feel the call is going to last a while, I’ll say, “Hang on a second, I’m going to get out my hands-free so we can keep talking while I scale this fish.” Seriously, have they become some sort of status symbol and I just missed the memo? Bottom line, they look ridiculous. And should I ever get one, I’ll probably look ridiculous wearing it. But when I’m finished using it, I’ll put it away and stop looking like an idiot. The only person who is allowed to wear a Bluetooth all the time is this guy:

Quick test: Are you Lobot?
A) Yes.
B) No.
C) Has anyone seen my socks?

If you did not answer A), please put the damned Bluetooth away.

Finally, this is one that Mrs. Buck has pointed out to me on several occasions: Women shopping in the juniors section who have popped out at least one kid. Congratulations on losing the baby weight. Now dress age-appropriate, you tramp. Just because it fits doesn’t mean it looks good. I can squeeze into pants or a shirt a size smaller than what I normally wear; doesn’t mean I should. Contrary to popular belief, you can dress your age without looking like your mother. When you’re pushing a stroller while wearing a barely-there tank top and shorts with “Juicy” written across the ass, it’s not too hard to see how you ended up pregnant in the first place.

- Buck

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